I'm leaving you.
- What's the difference? - Speed.
This is faster?
Much faster than a wheelchair.
Walking on your knees?
It's faster.
At intersections and stations...
I'm slow, but much faster than a wheelchair.
GOODBYE CP
I was so scared.
How?
I was afraid it'll turn red.
My life was on the line.
I was desperate.
CP stands for cerebral palsy.
On April 18, 1948, my first son was born.
He was kept in a hospital for a week.
He was diagnosed with Cerebral Palsy...
when he was 18 months old.
We took him to many different doctors and...
did everything we could.
I even gave up cigarettes and alcohol...
praying for his recovery.
When I first learned that my son had CP,
I was shocked and didn't know what to do.
But I had to do something.
I thought there must be something I can do for him.
I was determined to do everything I can do.
My husband and I studied all about CP at the library.
Some CP patients are killed at birth or...
become victims of family suicides.
But I believe it's my duty as a parent...
to find him a way to survive in this world.
That's what I believe and we're continuing to do that...
so that he can live normally once we're gone.
Like everyone else, I did all I could, as any parents do...
and tried very hard.
Once I learned that nothing could be done,
I did everything so that he could have a happy life.
He was given life.
He deserves everything a normal person does.
I think that all the time.
I am prepared to do everything I can do for him.
I mean everything.
Since I had this child,
I've gained a lot of knowledge.
If it wasn't for my son, I would've been a reclusive mother.
Through my son,
I met many people I would otherwise not have met.
People from different social groups in our society.
We don't keep him in the house. We take him everywhere.
When I see students protesting and using violence,
I feel very proud of having my son as he is.
I've always been a little shy...
about having a child with CP.
My husband complained a lot when he got drunk.
I thought about divorcing him so many times.
But looking at my child...
gave me the will to move on.
So I tried my best to keep my family together.
My son...
I'm truly grateful to my son...
for our happiness and keeping my family together.
I don't treat him differently just because he is handicapped.
But as a parent,
just like the old saying goes...
"a flawed child is that much more adorable."
It's only natural for parents. I really think so.
Being in a wheelchair is like...
being attended and protected by angels.
We might...
be killed...
tomorrow.
We want...
to live...
freely...
as human...
beings.
So please support...
The Green Lawn Movement.
The Green Lawn was...
established by the disabled themselves.
- Why did you donate? - Just wanted to help.
- Did you donate? - I gave 200 yen.
I just felt bad.
I'm interested in social problems.
My child felt sorry.
- I felt sorry. - No special reason.
I just felt bad.
I heard it on the news.
- Why did you donate? - I don't know.
I drove by earlier and saw them.
I went out again, so I wanted to give them something.
I felt sorry.
My friend's child is handicapped.
Some people are unfortunate.
I felt sorry.
- How? - They're human, like us.
But I wonder why they are handicapped.
All these problems with medical practice...
religion, pollution...
and all these heartless problems of the human race...
sadden me very much.
What the Buddha predicted 2500 years ago...
is now starting to happen.
Mankind has lost its soul.
Our society faces problems and afflictions.
I just wanted to help people in need.
We're on our way home from visiting the family grave.
Why did you donate?
Well, the thing is...
they can't work like we do.
So we should at least try to help.
No special reason, but things must be difficult for them.
That's why I donated.
This is our problem. It could happen to us.
I don't know.
I felt sorry.
How?
I just imagined if that happened to one of my children.
I have three of them.
Why did you donate?
I dunno.
Well, my child died as a result of CP.
So I wanted to help.
I know someone who has CP.
So I felt really bad.
They're helpless.
I wanted do whatever I can.
I've been interested in such problems.
- I felt sorry. - Why?
I don't know.
- I felt bad. - Why?
No reason.
Just wanted to help.
It must be tough for them.
But they do what they can.
Poor thing.
I'm from the countryside.
I've never seen anything like this before.
I feel so sorry for them.
I feel sorry.
Well... I mean their bodies.
I felt sorry. We're blessed.
I felt sorry.
It must be difficult to do so many things.
Why did you donate?
My Mom told me to.
Why donate? Well...
Because my life is stable.
That's it.
Well, I feel sorry for them, too.
We're the same human being. But they were unlucky.
Isn't that right?
Why did you donate?
I was very much moved...
by their strong desire to live.
Me? My child is in good health, so I feel blessed.
I want them to be in good health, too.
I want them to cheer up.
Yes, he's there now.
- At the facility? - Yes.
You don't want to live together?
Well, it's for my child's future.
- Being at the facility is better? - Yes, I think so.
For him, it's better.
You think they should be institutionalized?
My child's been there for 5 years.
It was all for the better.
It's a real struggle for them.
And the government doesn't do enough.
That's why I wanted to help.
I'm lucky to have what I have.
They would never be cured.
I thought they needed some money.
In my opinion...
we're the object of pity for them.
They make their kids give donations.
That's fine with me.
Besides...
it's better to feel pity...
than not have any...
interests at all.
Giving their kids money for donations...
out of pity...
makes them feel better,
that's fine with me.
I'd rather quit...
if we're operating under the principle...
that we are the weak ones.
I would quit.
When I talk to the crowd,
I always think about...
what separates the handicapped from the healthy ones.
When I hold a microphone...
and talk to the crowd,
I can't help myself...
from feeling that I'm miserable.
How can I say it?
I try to resist the idea...
inside my head.
But I always find myself asking for sympathy.
Oh, no.
- You must be relieved. - Yes, I am.
- Did it hurt? - Of course.
The baby is premature.
200 grams short of normal weight. A bit too light.
Who does he take after?
He's yawning.
A sweet little boy.
I tried hard,
but catching someone's eye line...
is very difficult.
When I point a camera at people,
they all look away.
I expected that.
Pointing a camera and...
taking a shot in front of them was very scary.
I was really scared.
If they are far away, it's easy.
To get close within 1 meter...
when I walk up to them or...
when they walk down the steps,
I feel this enormous pressure.
When I took shots at the bus stop,
I was very scared.
I walk slow and look pathetic.
What's wrong with that?
Walking on knees...
doesn't liberate me from not being able to walk.
We're outsiders.
We really are.
We can never...
be insiders.
Those who think...
they are insiders...
may end up being...
outsiders.
Why don't they realize that?
That's the point we're trying to make.
No dinner tonight?
We should take tangerines home.
That's a problem.
You dropped it.
You'll do better next time.
- It tastes good. - That's great.
You're sharing it?
Eating is the most fun.
That's disgusting.
That is scary.
My stomach feels strange.
I ate too much.
They have fish, too.
They have everything. Tea, fish, fruits.
Fish is no good these days.
- Because of pollution. - Yes, the pollution.
Industrial sludge is a big problem.
This one is sour.
Sorry.
You have to eat this one in 40 minutes.
Come over here.
Go ahead.
Eat up.
I started smoking...
when I was 16.
I slept with a woman when I was 18.
It was then that I realized...
I was a man.
I went...
to a red light district. I went there.
I kept going for four years.
The first time I went,
How can I put it?
I didn't exactly...
sleep with a woman.
I must say that...
I wasn't able to give them pleasure at all.
I just...
satisfied myself.
The second time,
I slept...
with a different woman.
This woman...
She was very good.
And she...
made me come with her sighs.
That may be...
because...
I was handicapped.
I've been told to speak honestly about myself.
I left the facility when I was 16.
With a friend of mine...
from work training program,
I went to a red light district and lost my virginity.
I kept going there for a while.
When I was twenty,
I fell in love with a woman who had polio.
She got pregnant.
But her family opposed and we had to split.
I attempted suicide.
They still didn't want me to marry her.
Then...
I had a big fight with my friend...
over a woman who later became my wife.
I did act out of my own ego.
It was a big fight.
I fought as hard...
as any man can.
I felt...
very strongly...
about making her mine.
I think it was...
when I was fourteen.
I had many brothers.
They played a trick on me.
From then on,
I realized this feeling...
that I want to sleep with a woman.
There was a cute girl...
who lived nearby.
I really wanted to have her.
But she...
totally avoided me.
When I was sixteen,
I joined a gang and...
I raped a girl.
That was the first time...
I fulfilled my sexual desire.
Later, I realized that I shouldn't have.
Because I suffer from CP...
it never occurred to me...
that I can fulfill my desire with a normal woman...
That's all I can say.
Nothing more to say.
Stop filming.
I can't say anymore.
I really can't.
I was 28 when I slept with a woman.
It was much later than others.
She was a year older.
When we tried to do it,
for some reason,
I couldn't get it up.
That's probably because...
I suppressed it for such a long time.
We tried a few times.
But it didn't work.
I thought I wasn't a man.
I thought I was impotent.
I had no idea...
how or where...
to put it in.
We tried a few more times.
I started to get the hang of it.
It finally worked.
I thought I was OK.
I asked the woman if I was getting better.
She said...
I could do better.
I was really disappointed.
Really.
For me...
thinking about sex was taboo.
Something I shouldn't think about.
So I didn't dare.
I was told I was not capable...
and I can't get married.
I can be in love with someone, but no marriages.
People think my body is not capable...
to have sex.
That's what they think.
My uncle is the same.
When I fall in love,
he tells me I can't.
When I tell him I want to get married,
he tells me I can be in love, but I can't get married.
When I tell him I want kids,
he tells me I can get married, but I can't have kids.
What is he thinking?
I suppose he will tell me...
I can have one kid, but not two.
That's what healthy ones think.
We have to show them that...
we can get married and have kids.
Even then,
they will deny us...
the next step.
My uncle is not a bad person.
He treated me very well.
I'm grateful.
But his behavior typifies the way healthy ones look at us.
Alcohol is like a friend to CP.
It relaxes muscles and makes talking easier.
Who is looking up at the barren sky
What impressed you so is now a ghost town
After the love has been lost
All that's left is a song of farewell
As you fly away across the galaxy
I'm not saying that we should forget about this film.
I'm saying...
my family...
has a problem.
I shall no longer...
walk on my knees.
I really shouldn't.
No matter what.
If we continue filming like that,
my wife will divorce me.
That's the situation.
She said she will divorce you?
It's not just a threat.
She understands...
what it's like to walk on knees.
She knows...
how miserable it is...
to walk on knees.
She feels miserable...
when she sees me...
walking on my knees.
You're compromising yourself.
How can you resign yourself...
just like that so easily?
You're the man in the family.
You're the one to make rules.
No need to listen to her.
You're the head of the family, or aren't you?
I was being patient.
If she wants to divorce you like that so easily,
you should never have married her.
That's right.
I'm sure they took the marriage seriously and...
it's not going to be that easy to separate.
We're telling Yokota all this.
But we're convincing ourselves, too.
We have to consider his place as well as ours.
You want to abandon this film project.
But us the Green Lawn,
talking about money again,
we all put money in the film.
But you want to quit for your personal reasons.
That is what I call...
cheating.
You bastard.
It's the truth.
Go ahead and hit me.
I tried.
I tried my best so far.
We know you did.
Will you please leave?
Yoshiko, shut up.
No one...
can accuse me of cheating.
I mean no one.
How dare you in my house!
This is too much.
I'm calling someone.
How dare you!
How can you!
Please calm down.
This is unlawful entry.
I'll get someone.
How can you behave like this?
Don't hit her.
I don't want Hara to see us like this.
Let's talk this over.
You went too far.
Mom, you're bleeding.
What do you want?
You're not a woman.
Let me ask you.
I've been so patient.
What about your own family?
I didn't want to bring this up.
How about you, Koyama?
You want to break up a family to continue this film?
What we're asking...
is why filming should interfere...
with your family life.
Please leave.
Please.
Go away.
Dad, don't come in.
Don't hit your father.
Please call my sister.
You in the middle should stand.
Then another row.
Please hurry.
Over here. Hurry up.
Running out of time here.
Come over here.
Don't worry about the camera.
Yes, stand over there.
Step up here.
Hurry.
One more time.
That's it.
One hour free time.
Before my child was born,
we talked about if we want a boy or a girl.
I wanted a girl.
I said I didn't really care.
But I wanted a girl.
Then, I imagined...
my baby girl...
growing up.
But I didn't...
picture her...
with CP.
I just pictured her...
with long hair...
and a mini skirt.
An ordinary cute girl.
That's how I imagined her.
I just couldn't help it.
What I imagined...
was different from what we advocate.
Since I was a child,
I was very shy.
I was always scared of being looked at...
on the streets.
When I felt that I was being watched,
my body got really tense.
It made walking very difficult.
I developed a phobia
toward normal people.
Everything we do,
we had to be assisted.
We can only be passive.
People ask us questions,
and take pictures of us.
We hardly do anything ourselves.
I didn't want that.
I thought about...
what I can do.
I wanted to reverse roles.
When I was with Hara, he always took pictures of me.
Damn him.
Why can't I do that?
Why can't I be the photographer?
So I started taking pictures myself.
The reasons why I take pictures...
stems from the fact...
that I have CP.
But I don't know how...
that relationship has anything to do with problems of CP.
I don't really care.
This is about my feelings.
I used to try to hide myself...
on the train or on the bus.
I didn't want to be seen by the public.
The more I tried,
I felt even more exposed.
But having a camera...
I may be exaggerating...
changed my world.
But being behind the camera is not so easy.
No matter how hard I try,
it doesn't get easy.
It's much more difficult...
than I first expected it to be.
The first time, I was so scared.
My legs were shaking. My hands, too.
I haven't drunk a drop of water since last night.
I didn't want to have to go to the bathroom.
That's what I always do when I know I have to go out.
How much do you weigh?
Under 40kg.
Just like that anorexic actress.
Your glasses are all scratched.
I drop them too often.
The lenses are really thick.
You can't see anything without them?
Can you recognize me?
Not at all.
You say people don't understand what you say.
You really think so?
How can they?
So you'll be doing this just to satisfy yourself?
No, that's not it.
I think they will understand something...
even if they don't understand every single word.
How's that?
They'll wonder what I'm doing.
You don't want them to know you're reciting your poems.
Well, if they're really listening,
they'll understand.
You think so?
So we don't need to set up?
Should we make a sign that says Poem Reading?
No need?
Yokota Hiroshi Poem Reading...
Meeting?
Poem Reading Meeting?
I guess not a meeting.
Yokota Hiroshi Reads Poems.
Shinjuku Station
He's going to read poems.
He's reading poems.
Everyone, he is a poet and is going to read his poems.
Please everyone listen.
"Poem"
"Hiroshi"
"Yokota"
Please listen to my poem.
It's called Legs.
You who stand there all around me
You have legs on which to stand
You...
You forbid me to walk
That is how...
you keep your legs
All the people around me
All the legs surrounding me
You
for what reasons
forbid me to walk?
Who is in charge here?
Who is it?
Sure. OK. Fine.
What are you doing?
I'm recording.
Recording what?
You're bothering people.
This is a freak show. Please stop.
We set out to make this film...
to show that we can't do anything.
But I was hoping...
I could do something...
to make a different...
kind of film.
That was...
what I...
what I thought.
But while we went through...
the process of making the film,
my hopes...
were completely shattered.
How can I say?
After all...
in many levels...
I require...
some form of protection.
That's the only way...
I can survive.
I could never be on my own.
In that sense,
that realization made me feel...
totally empty.
To be honest,
I'm not sure...
how I can move on.
That's how I feel.
Produced by Shisso Production
With the cooperation of The Green Lawn and
Japan CP Association
Directed and photographed by Kazuo Hara
Produced by Sachiko Kobayashi